So then this blog came about from visiting my GP the other day. After the initial chat blah blah it came down to the nitty gritty of how i was doing. Now although i feel im doing ok i did mention that last weekend was a bit of a nightmare.
It actually was, i nearly had a breakdown in a bar when celebrating with friends and then also the next day whilst in a supermarket. Both times i had to leave the situation and find a place on my own to sort myself out.
Anyway i guess that was enough for my GP to tell me he wanted to up my medication as it would help my emotions be slightly happier. I told him that i didnt want to and that the weekend was just a tiny blip. The truth however is quite different.
Yes the weekend was a big blip but thats not why i didn't want my medication put up to help me out of this. The real reason is simply because i don't want to be happy yet. Well thats how i feel anyway. I believe that i haven't served enough time in this state to warrant a get out of jail card. I know that may sound stupid but it is generally how i feel.
I cannot speak about other people who suffer depression so i do not know if everyone feels like this or not. I can only speak about how i feel.
The problem with being depressed for me is that i know i see things wrong or differently and i recognise it but i literally cannot change my mind no matter what i know about my decissions. For example thinking i should be in this state becuase i deserve it, i know it is wrong to think like that but i %100 believe it.
It is not nice thinking you must have hurt someone or did something wrong you cant fix or even remember doing but thats how i think constantly. The problem having this going around in your brain is that you are the only one in it and so you believe it to be fact.
If i heard someone say this i would probably tell them they are being silly and that they don't deserve this. At that moment in time like myself they probably do believe that and the damaging chain is broken. However it takes no time at all for that chain to mend and then your back to the start.
Its not something i can snap out of, it doesn't work like that no matter how hard i try. I can only hope that when i believe i have suffered enough then i will decide to trade my free pass in and take the doctor up on his offer. At this moment in time i take the minimum amount of medication so that i can process the day and manage to work, other than that forget it.
It maybe hard for someone without depression to understand these feelings and trust me its hard to understand them myself at times. I was addicted to a happiness i had no right to have and when i lost it this is my punishment.
I guess this is a sort of self harm im dealing with, a type that only scars the mind and not the body, either way its painful.
If you have read this then i really do thank you. I hope it has not depressed you to much. As i said this is only how i feel and i can not speak for all suffers. If you have any questions then please feel free to ask.
I hope you have a good rest of the day.
Mark
I guess this is a sort of self harm im dealing with, a type that only scars the mind and not the body, either way its painful.
If you have read this then i really do thank you. I hope it has not depressed you to much. As i said this is only how i feel and i can not speak for all suffers. If you have any questions then please feel free to ask.
I hope you have a good rest of the day.
Mark
https://twitter.com/anewonset
Hi Mark I can relate to some of what your saying, especially not being ready to be happy. I feel like that too because of the way my life has taken on a new role which God forgive me I do not like & find it hard accepting it. I cant even say what it is for fear of being judged.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing how you feel.
Jackie xx
Thank you for being so open and honest Mark. You're certainly not alone in how you feel - I battle with thoughts that I "deserve" to feel the way I do.
ReplyDeleteBut remember, you're not alone in this struggle, and to make the most of the days you feel brighter.
Kim x
"I was addicted to a happiness i had no right to have and when i lost it this is my punishment."
ReplyDeleteI understand roughly where you are and how you might be thinking but I bet when you were happy you felt you deserved it? We all have a right to be happy. I've been there and still am at times though, feeling undeserving, cocooning myself in my own little world. As you've said, it's much easier to see someone else doing it than yourself at times. Or much harder to understand why another person would do it to themselves.
You might not feel deserving of happiness for whatever reasons you have and while that's okay. You need to let in some happiness to feel deserving of happiness. I don't know how long you've felt this way or why and appreciate the difficulty in doing this entirely so I'm sorry if it seems like an attack on your choices, it's not. It's just a few words which might help a bit. This quote springs to mind:
'You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.' — Jonathan Safran Foer